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A loss must never become a taboo – a personal blog post about loss

My body has been behaving strangely – for along time. To be exact for 12 weeks. I’ve been tired and unwell, and in Daytona it went completely wrong. I was downright feeling bad. I blamed “jetlag” at the time, although I am very rarely hit by that kind. But I had not traveled long either, and I arrived very late in relation to the start of the race. Yes, there were many excuses that I got to take care of my body’s physical condition.

 In short: I continue to work. I believed I would soon find myself again. On top of that, Corona wouldn’t stop raging- and who doesn’t get both tired and frustrated about that? It took one more thing before I got any other thoughts: A bump on my stomach. Then the thought struck me for the first time… Am I pregnant?!?

 No, I thought again. I had just had my period, and we had hardly had sex. Since, I was SO tired and exhausted! It did not make sense.

But I decided to take a test anyway. Last Sunday. And the answer was no doubt: I was pregnant. My first thought was:Fuck! Fuck Hawaii – in every way. Fuck that, if now I might not be able to fight for that podium spot on the best terms. Screw all of those things My dream had come true. Maybe with the worst timing, maybe with the very best. I was completely happy. Now Markus was to be the big brother – and already byJuly / August. We were happy.

Those who know me also know that there is never a long way from thought to action. I quickly booked an appointment for as can. On Monday at 12.00 to be exact. And here we got the test answer confirmed by a sweet lady: Yes, you are pregnant, BUT there is no heart sound. The child was dead. Probably already in week 7. I got a referral to a gynecologist with the friendly but definite message: Then you can have the “remnants” removed.I was speechless.

After joy and happiness, grief hit me like a hammer. In less than 24 hours, my life changed – not just once, but twice. I went from surprise and almost fear that my near future was suddenly completely different than expected – to beyond joy and happiness – to being completely sad and unhappy again. And I still doubt if it has completely dawned on me…

But this does not just happen to me – and that’s exactly why I share it with you. 20% experience an involuntary abortion.In reality, this means that 1 in 5 of my girlfriends have experienced it – I just never heard of it. That’s why I’m sharing it with you. It must never become a taboo to lose. Therefore, we need to talk about it and write about it.Continually. It must never be something we are afraid of.

I share my thoughts with you because you are with me all the way. I share when my life goes up, but also when it goesdown. My pregnancy was not planned, but therefore it still created a huge joy with us. But that’s not all we can plan. And now I want to use my energy to get back on track. It would have been the greatest gift and joy, but it did not happen this time. Now I’m taking up the fight and keeping my head in the game- #269backtoHawaii.

Michelle

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